Physical attraction can play a significant role when looking for a spouse, but it should not be the sole or primary factor according to the Bible. The Bible encourages believers to look beyond outward appearance and focus more on the heart and character of a potential spouse.
Proverbs 31:30 says “Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.” This verse reminds us that physical attributes are fleeting, but godly character is of utmost importance. 1 Samuel 16:7 also says “For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.” This illustrates how God values inner beauty over physical beauty.
While the Bible does not forbid physical attraction in marriage, it warns against making it too central. Song of Solomon and Proverbs 5:19 show that physical intimacy within marriage is reasonable and expected. But reducing courtship merely to physical attraction can lead to marital struggles if other core aspects like spiritual connection, compatibility, and friendship are lacking. The Bible encourages seeing others as whole people made in God’s image, not just physical bodies to gratify carnal lusts (Genesis 1:27, Matthew 5:28).
That said, God did create men and women as physical beings with sexual natures. So physical attraction in moderation can be beneficial. Genesis 2:24 shows that the “two become one flesh” in marriage, implying physical closeness and intimacy. But just as marriage involves more than sex, the selection process should involve more than just surface-level attraction. Lasting marriage requires deep spiritual and emotional connection.
Scripture offers guidance on how to keep physical attraction in balance when seeking a Godly spouse. Some ways to maintain proper perspective include:
- Focusing primarily on spiritual maturity and Christlike character (Proverbs 31:30, 1 Timothy 4:12, 1 Peter 3:3-4).
- Looking beyond superficial externals to see someone’s true inner self (1 Samuel 16:7, John 7:24)
- Considering whether your values, life vision, and temperaments align, not just infatuation (Amos 3:3, 2 Corinthians 6:14-15)
- Seeking wise counsel from mentors to prevent emotions overriding reason (Proverbs 11:14, Proverbs 15:22)
- Considering long-term compatibility versus short-term chemistry (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12)
In summary, while humans are instinctively drawn to beauty and attraction, Scripture exhorts believers to look deeper. Initial attraction can draw you towards someone long enough to discern character and compatibility. But lasting relationships require spiritual intimacy, communication, sacrifice, and commitment. True Christlike love is patient, kind, selfless, and persevering (1 Corinthians 13:4-8a). It sees beyond the surface and cherishes whole people as unique creations of God.
So while physical appeal has a place, it should not control your decision-making. Evaluate potential partners holistically. Look for someone passionate about pursuing Christ, with shared values and life vision, who stirs your heart and soul. With God’s wisdom and Spirit’s guidance, attraction can draw you toward your ideal match. But always remember, those who belong to Christ are new creations who live for Him. Inner beauty and godly character far outweigh external appearance (2 Corinthians 5:17).
The Bible offers a balanced perspective on physical attraction’s appropriate role when seeking a spouse. It should not be the primary motivator, but a contributing factor in tandem with more important spiritual, emotional and relational considerations. With Christ at the center, physical appeal can enhance marital intimacy without clouding biblical priorities for God-honoring marriage.
Old Testament Examples Where Physical Attraction Played a Role
Several Old Testament examples reveal how physical attraction factored into marital relationships in biblical times:
Isaac and Rebekah
When Abraham sent his servant to find a wife for Isaac, the servant prayed that God would reveal the right woman through her voluntary hospitality and assistance (Genesis 24:12-14). When Rebekah fulfilled this, the servant gave her gifts and discerned she was God’s choice for Isaac (Genesis 24:15-27). When Isaac met Rebekah for the first time, the text notes he loved her, implying affectionate attraction (Genesis 24:67). Her outward beauty seems to have complemented her inward character at first sight.
Jacob and Rachel
Jacob was immediately captivated by Rachel’s beauty when they met at the well, where he kissed her and wept aloud, showing deep emotion (Genesis 29:11). He agreed to work seven years for Laban to earn Rachel’s hand in marriage, which underscores Jacob’s strong attraction and love for her. Their story highlights how initial attraction led to deep marital love.
David and Bathsheba
This example warns of the dangers of unbridled lust. David’s desire for the physically beautiful Bathsheba led him into adultery, abuse of power, and murder (2 Samuel 11:1-27). While passionate attraction is expected in marriage, outside marriage it can lead to sinful indulgence. David’s unchecked lust for Bathsheba led to devastating personal and national consequences.
These examples show physical appeal factored in marital relations, but excessive fixation on outward beauty to the neglect of inward substance could result in regret. Ideal marriage requires a confluence of spiritual, emotional and physical bonds.
New Testament Principles on Prioritizing Character Over Physical Attraction
While the Old Testament shows some marriages included physical appeal, New Testament teachings further emphasize moral character and spiritual maturity when considering a spouse. Several passages illustrate this:
1 Timothy 4:12 – Setting an Example in Speech, Conduct, Love, Faith, and Purity
Paul exhorted Timothy to set an example in key areas like speech, conduct, love, faith and purity. This emphasizes moral integrity over superficial charm. Spouses should encourage each other’s spiritual growth.
1 Peter 3:3-4 – A Gentle and Quiet Spirit of Greater Worth than Outward Adornment
Peter encouraged women to focus on developing a gentle and quiet spirit rather than showy external presentation. Inner beauty outshines jewelry and fine clothes. Character matters more than appearance.
2 Corinthians 6:14-15 – Not Being Unequally Yoked with Unbelievers
Paul warned believers against being yoked together with unbelievers, which applies to marriage. While attraction to an unbeliever is understandable, the rift in spiritual life would greatly hinder the marriage. Marrying only believers prevents this conflict.
Rather than fixate on looks alone, believers should seek partners with vibrant faith, integrity and spiritual maturity. While physical appeal has a place, Christlike character should take priority.
Biblical Qualities to Look for in a Godly Spouse
Scripture outlines many virtues to seek in a spouse beyond mere outward charm. Some key qualities include:
- Spiritual maturity – Growing depth in relationship with God (Philippians 3:8-14)
- Christlike character – Demonstrating the fruits of the Spirit like love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. (Galatians 5:22-23)
- Strong moral values – Upholding biblical morality in sexuality, ethics, worldview, and reverence for life. (Romans 12:2)
- Emotional stability and temperance – Exercising prudence, self-control, level-headedness. Not given to extremes of emotion or impulsiveness. (Proverbs 17:27)
- Accountability and integrity – Taking responsibility for one’s conduct. Being truthful and trustworthy. (Psalm 15:1-2)
- Genuine faith – Sincere devotion to God, not just nominal religiousness. Active compassion and ministry. (James 2:14-17)
- Commitment to growth – Dedication to learning, self-improvement, counseling if needed. Willingness to admit faults. (1 Peter 2:2)
- Vision and purpose – Driven by meaningful goals and a sense of divine calling. Aspirations beyond the mundane. (Matthew 6:33)
- Kindness and selflessness – Putting others above selfish interests. Slow to anger, quick to forgive. (Ephesians 4:32)
- Humility and respect – Willingness to serve and consider others’ needs. Not arrogant or self-promoting. (Philippians 2:3-4)
This biblical criteria helps keep priorities on spiritual health, moral courage and inner beauty when seeking a spouse. External attractiveness has a place but should not outweigh character.
Dangers of Focusing Excessively on Physical Attraction
While physical appeal can be beneficial in marriage, concentrating overly on outer beauty has several risks:
- Temptation to lust – Ogling or objectifying others as physical bodies can propagate sexual sin. (Matthew 5:28)
- Fixation on fleeting externals – Outward beauty fades, but inner beauty lasts. Basing marriage solely on superficial attraction is shortsighted. (Proverbs 31:30)
- Overlooking subtle red flags – Infatuation can blind people to signs of poor character or compatibility issues. (Proverbs 14:15)
- alienation – Hyping physical traits can make less attractive people feel excluded or inferior. (1 Samuel 16:7)
- Misplaced priorities – Focusing on the physical eclipses spiritual health, emotional intimacy, moral integrity, and Christlike love. (Matthew 23:25-28)
- Marital strain when beauty fades – If physical decline means losing attraction, the marriage may unravel. Deeper bonds sustain love. (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12)
While beauty has a place in marital relations, overemphasizing it distorts biblical priorities. Lasting love requires looking beyond the superficial to cultivate what the Bible calls “true beauty” – a gentle, quiet spirit submissive to God (1 Peter 3:3-6).
Biblical Warnings Against Valuing Physical Charm Over Inner Virtue
Several biblical passages warn against overvaluing physical charm compared to inward virtue:
- Proverbs 31:30 – Charm is deceptive and beauty fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is praised.
- 1 Samuel 16:7 – Man looks at outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.
- Proverbs 11:22 – A beautiful woman lacking discretion is like a gold ring in a pig’s snout.
- 1 Peter 3:3-4 – Don’t be focused on outward adornment but developing inner beauty of the heart.
- John 7:24 – Don’t judge by appearances but with righteous judgment.
Scripture consistently elevates matters of the heart above superficial externals. Beauty has its place but should not override concerns like spiritual maturity and Christlike virtue.
Accounting for Physical Attraction While Prioritizing Spiritual Connection
How can singles navigating relationships value physical attraction appropriately without making it paramount? Consider these biblical insights:
- Acknowledge attraction as natural but not the primary factor.
- Focus more on spiritual compatibility and growing together in faith.
- Look beyond superficial qualities to discern someone’s true character.
- Seek accountability from mentors and wise counselors.
- Take cues from godly marital examples, not Hollywood or lust-driven culture.
- Remember that believers relate to each other as whole people, not objects to gratify fleshly desires.
- Evaluate alignment on moral convictions and life vision.
- Ask God for discernment and guard against rationalizations.
- Make choices based on biblical wisdom, not feelings or hormones alone.
- Consider if this person could remain a close friend even if romance faded.
With prudence and Spirit-guided perspective, singles can appreciate physical connection while developing companionship anchored in biblical priorities. Internal and external qualities both matter, but inner depth should take precedence.
Cultivating Deeper Qualities Beyond Physical Appeal in Relationships
For relationships to flourish based on biblical priorities, couples should seek growth in aspects beyond the physical, including:
- Spiritual intimacy – Praying together, worshiping together, studying Scripture together, serving others together. Making Christ the relationship’s center. (Amos 3:3)
- Open communication – Honesty, transparency, empathy, active listening without judgment. Speaking truth in love. (Ephesians 4:15)
- Intellectual rapport – Sharing ideas, humor, life perspectives. Discussing meaningfully beyond small talk. (Proverbs 27:17)
- Emotional support – Encouragement, reassurance, patience, sensitivity to each other’s needs and feelings. (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10)
- Shared interests – Enjoyable hobbies, activities, experiences. Trying new things together. (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12)
- Sacrificial love – Willingness to serve each other selflessly. Esteeming each other as better than self. (Philippians 2:1-4)
- Commitment and faithfulness – Unwavering devotion, dependability, and loyalty. Upholding marriage vows. (Hebrews 13:4-5)
- Compassion and forgiveness – Grace, mercy, empathy. Letting go of grievances. (Colossians 3:12-13)
- Vision unified by common purpose – Complementary life callings. Service and family goals aligned. (Matthew 6:33)
With Christ at the center, couples can forge bonds transcending fleeting attraction alone. They can encourage each other’s spiritual growth and build companionship anchored in biblical virtues.
Strengthening Existing Marriages by Looking Beyond the Superficial
For married couples where physical appeal may have diminished over time, remembering deeper bonds can rekindle intimacy. Ways to strengthen marriage beyond outward appearance include:
- Reconnecting spiritually through prayer, worship, and study together.
- Revisiting shared values, dreams and goals.
- Expressing gratitude for each other’s positive qualities and gifts.
- Engaging in uplifting communication and active listening.
- Replenishing emotional intimacy through tenderness, encouragement, and affection.
- Enjoying shared interests, hobbies, travel, and new adventures together.
- Rekindling physical intimacy through greater creativity, sensitivity, and passion.
- Cherishing companionship, laughter, empathy, and rapport.
- Sharing meaningful moments reflecting on God’s faithfulness through life’s seasons.
By nurturing deeper bonds, married couples can renew commitments based on timeless virtues, not fleeting externals. They can rediscover the shared spiritual journey, cherished memories, and soul-level friendship that anchor matrimonial love.
Conclusion
The Bible offers wise guidance for balancing physical attraction’s role when seeking a God-honoring marriage. While God designed human beings as embodied souls who long for intimate companionship, focusing solely on outward appeal is unwise and unbiblical. Lasting love requires shared spiritual devotion, moral courage, emotional intimacy, open communication, sacrificial service, abiding commitment, and seeing each other as whole people bearing God’s image. With Christ at the center and biblical priorities in focus, physical connection can enhance marital bonds without supplanting concerns of the heart and spirit. By developing inner beauty and virtue, couples can build marriages founded on true love.
