I am in the process of getting a divorce. Can I start dating?
The end of a marriage can be an emotionally devastating time. As you go through the process of divorce, you may be wondering if it’s permissible to start dating while your divorce is still pending. What does the Bible say about this? Let’s take a thoughtful and prayerful look at what scripture teaches.
Marriage Is Meant to Be Permanent
First, it’s important to remember that in God’s perfect design, marriage is intended to be permanent and lifelong. Several passages affirm this truth:
“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” (Ephesians 5:31)
“Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” (Mark 10:9)
“Didn’t the Lord make the two of you one? In body and spirit you are his.” (1 Corinthians 6:16-17)
When we make marital vows, we promise before God and witnesses that we will remain faithful to our spouse until we are separated by death. Even if the marriage hits rocky times, reconciliation should be pursued if at all possible.
The Permanence of Marriage Vows
If you made vows to remain faithful to your spouse, then pursuing another romantic relationship before your divorce is finalized would violate those vows. The Bible warns against breaking vows in passages like these:
“Guard your steps when you go to the house of God. Go near to listen rather than to offer the sacrifice of fools, who do not know that they do wrong. Do not be quick with your mouth, do not be hasty in your heart to utter anything before God. God is in heaven and you are on earth, so let your words be few. A dream comes when there are many cares, and many words mark the speech of a fool. When you make a vow to God, do not delay to fulfill it. He has no pleasure in fools; fulfill your vow. It is better not to make a vow than to make one and not fulfill it.” (Ecclesiastes 5:1-5)
“Again, you have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘Do not break your oath, but fulfill to the Lord the vows you have made.’” (Matthew 5:33)
Dating while still married, even if separated, seems to violate the clear biblical command not to break vows. One might argue that by filing for divorce, the marriage vows are already broken. However, until the divorce is finalized, you are still legally married, even if you are living apart from your spouse. The wise and faithful thing is to wait until the divorce is finalized before pursuing another relationship.
The Exception Clause
There are a few exceptional circumstances in which dating during separation could potentially be permissible. Jesus spoke of one such exception clause:
“I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.” (Matthew 19:9)
If your spouse has been sexually unfaithful, this could provide biblical grounds for divorce and the freedom to remarry. However, even in such circumstances, it is wise to proceed with caution and wise counsel. Prayerfully consider your motivations and examine your heart. Make sure your choices honor God, reflect Christ-like love, and follow the guidance of the Holy Spirit.
Consider Seeking Reconciliation
Rather than immediately beginning to date, first give careful thought and prayer to whether reconciliation with your spouse might still be possible. Is divorce the only option, or could counseling, repentance, forgiveness and restored trust lead to healing? By faithfully pursuing reconciliation to the uttermost, you give your marriage the best opportunity to be restored.
However, if your spouse is unwilling to be reconciled and presses forward with divorce, you are no longer bound:
“But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances.” (1 Corinthians 7:15)
Practical and Relational Considerations
Along with what scripture teaches, there are some practical considerations to keep in mind:
– Dating while separated could complicate the divorce proceedings and settlement. Consult your attorney to understand potential legal impacts.
– If you date before the divorce is final, your spouse could allege that the marriage collapsed due to your adultery. This could affect negotiations over property division and child custody.
– Don’t make major joint purchases like cars or homes during the separation period. Consult your lawyer about how to protect your financial interests.
– Be discreet about dating and introduce any new love interests to your children very slowly and carefully once the divorce is settled. Avoid having your children meet casual dates or short-term partners—this can be confusing and distressing for them.
– If you attend church, speak privately with your pastor or an elder about your situation. Ask for prayer, counsel and accountability as you make wise choices.
– If family members or friends express concerns about you dating before the divorce is over, listen humbly. They likely have your best interests in mind.
– Tell potential dates your true marital status right away. Deceiving or misleading another person is unwise, unethical and unbiblical.
– Entering a serious dating relationship before the divorce is finalized generally is not wise or recommended. Casual dating may be permissible, but proceed with wisdom and care.
– Make sure your motives are pure—don’t date just to make your ex jealous, to prove you’re over them, or as revenge for their wrongs against you. Avoid using another person in a selfish way.
– Be aware that beginning to date may emotionally complicate the separation for both you and your spouse and make reconciliation less likely. Proceed slowly and prayerfully.
When in doubt, it is safest to wait until the divorce decree has been issued before beginning to date again. This frees you to pursue new God-glorifying relationships without baggage and complications from the past. But circumstances differ, so pray for wisdom and seek counsel from spiritually mature Christians as you move forward.
Can You Date if Legally Separated?
In some marriages, couples will decide to legally separate and live apart while remaining legally married. This is different from filing for divorce—a legal separation puts a temporary hold on the marriage without permanently ending it. There is no biblical prohibition against legal separation. The apostle Paul addresses this in passing:
“But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances.” (1 Corinthians 7:15)
If your spouse has left and a legal separation agreement is in place, this would likely free you to start dating without violating your marital vows. However, prayerfully seek wise and godly counsel about new dating relationships under these circumstances.
Considerations about dating while legally separated:
– Since you are still legally married, be sure you have a signed separation agreement that allows dating. Understand any legal impacts. Consult your attorney.
– Proceed slowly and carefully think through your motivations, as outlined earlier in this article. Avoid rash decisions.
– If at all possible, take time to heal emotionally from your marital struggles before starting to date again. Jumping into new relationships prematurely can lead to unwise decisions.
– Your separation agreement likely addresses issues like property division, child custody arrangements, insurance coverage, distribution of debts, etc. Follow all stipulations exactly.
– Be aware that entering new relationships could still complicate eventual divorce proceedings in your state. The laws vary. Again, discuss this in depth with your lawyer.
– If reconciliation remains possible, consider marital counseling or trial separation first before permanently separating or divorcing. Reconciliation should be pursued if feasible.
– If you meet someone you are interested in pursuing a serious relationship with, exercise wisdom and patience. Avoid introducing this person to your children until you know them well.
– Be upfront with anyone you date about being legally separated but still married. Don’t hide or mislead them about your true status. Honesty right away is key.
– Continue to attend church and pursue Christian fellowship. Make sure you have strong support systems. Don’t try to walk through separation alone.
– Focus any new dating relationships on spiritual connection. Avoid quick physical intimacy. Set wise boundaries and reflect Christ even in this difficult situation.
Divorce Is Permitted, but Not God’s Ideal
Scripture is clear that even though Moses permitted divorce because of hard hearts, it is not what God desires. He hates divorce, because it tears apart what He has joined together. Marriage reflects Christ’s relationship with the church, and God’s plan is for it to be lifelong and thriving.
However, due to human sinfulness, divorce regrettably happens in this fallen world. Even in cases not involving adultery, abandonment or abuse, God allows for divorce:
“To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.” (1 Corinthians 7:10-11)
In all cases, a spirit of forgiveness and grace should permeate the process:
“For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”
(Matthew 6:14-15)
Aim for Restoration and Redemption
Rather than viewing divorce as simply moving on to a new life and relationship, prayerfully consider if reconciliation could still be possible. Be open to whatever God desires. His perfect will is always to see marriages and relationships restored:
“Now all has been heard; here is the conclusion of the matter: Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the duty of all mankind. For God will bring every deed into judgment, including every hidden thing, whether it is good or evil.” (Ecclesiastes 12:13-14)
If your marriage cannot be salvaged, commit your ex-spouse to God’s hands. Release bitterness and anger. Forgive them as Christ has forgiven you. Seek their ultimate redemption and good.
Trust that in all circumstances—whether reconciled or divorced—God remains sovereign. He will work even through this pain for your good and His glory. Rather than moving quickly into new romances, let Him refine your character to become more like Christ.
Summary Principles from Scripture
– Marriage is intended to be permanent, sacred and lifelong.
– Vows and oaths should be kept.
– Separation and divorce should be pursued prayerfully and soberly, not in haste.
– Be wary of dating quickly after separation or filing for divorce.
– In some circumstances, such as abandonment or unfaithfulness, separation/divorce could be biblically permissible.
– Seek much prayer and godly counsel; make choices that honor and glorify God.
– If feasible, reconciliation should be earnestly pursued.
– Avoid deceit or misleading anyone about your marital status.
– Do not introduce new partners to your children until you are certain of the relationship.
– Make sure your motives are pure, not based on selfishness or unhealthy desires.
– If legally separated with your spouse’s consent, dating could be permissible in some situations. Use prayerful caution.
While difficult, trust that God will use even this marital crisis for good in your life. He remains faithful and able to redeem any situation. Rather than hastily moving on, let Him deepen your walk with Him during this season of life. God bless you.
