Breaking up with a significant other is often a difficult decision. The Bible does not give specific guidelines on when it is right or wrong to end a dating relationship, but it does provide principles that can help guide decisions.
Reasons That May Warrant Ending the Relationship
Here are some situations where ending the relationship could potentially be warranted:
Unrepentant Sinful Behavior
If a boyfriend or girlfriend is engaged in unrepentant sinful behavior, this may be grounds for breaking up. For example, patterns of lying (Colossians 3:9), sexual immorality (1 Thessalonians 4:3-5), drunkenness (Ephesians 5:18), or other ongoing sinful lifestyle choices are warning signs. A dating partner who refuses to acknowledge sinful habits or seek to change is showing a lack of spiritual maturity and respect for biblical standards (1 Corinthians 5:11).
However, we should be cautious not to self-righteously judge others while ignoring our own sins (Matthew 7:1-5). If sins are repented of and efforts are being made to change, it can be right to continue dating and extend grace. But an unrepentant sinful lifestyle may indicate the relationship is unhealthy.
Abandonment of Faith
If a Christian is dating someone who claims to be a believer but then abandons or drifts away from the faith, continuing the relationship may not be wise (2 Corinthians 6:14). Our closest relationships can strongly influence our beliefs and behaviors. An unbelieving partner cannot understand a Christian’s motives and perspective and may hinder one’s spiritual growth (1 Corinthians 15:33).
However, if one partner has sincere questions or doubts, or is unable to attend church for external reasons, abruptly ending the relationship without seeking understanding may be unwarranted. Patience and grace should be extended when possible.
Abusive Behavior
If there are patterns of abusive speech, controlling behavior, physical aggression, or emotional manipulation within the relationship, this is very dangerous (Colossians 3:19, Ephesians 5:28-29). Ending the relationship and seeking help is wise to protect oneself from harm.
Signs of abuse should not be minimized – godly love is never controlling, cruel, or violent (1 Corinthians 13:4-7). However, minor conflicts and disagreements are normal and can often be resolved through improved communication, counsel from others, and commitment to change.
Parental Objections
God commands us to honor our father and mother (Ephesians 6:2). So if parents have strong objections to a dating relationship for legitimate reasons, it may be wise to end it. Parents often have life experience and spiritual wisdom that can help protect their children.
However, their objections should be considered carefully. Parents may struggle to let go or be overly critical at times. As adults, children are ultimately responsible before God for their own decisions in dating.
Incompatible Life Goals
Some differences in aspirations for the future are normal. But if there are major disagreements about fundamental life goals – such as whether to have children, where to live, what work to pursue, or conflicting spiritual beliefs – these may be obstacles too significant for the relationship to overcome long-term (Amos 3:3, 2 Corinthians 6:14). It is better to identify this earlier rather than later.
However, working through differences can strengthen relationships, so incompatible goals alone may not warrant a break-up. Good communication, compromise, and counseling from others can sometimes resolve key conflicts.
Lack of Commitment
If one or both people are unwilling to move toward marriage after an extended period of dating, it may be time to reevaluate. Dating for selfish reasons, with no intention of commitment, fails to properly honor God’s design for relationships (1 Corinthians 7:36-38).
However, pressuring for marriage too soon can also be unwise. Patience and prayer are needed to assess God’s timing and discern when a relationship is ready for commitment. It is rarely beneficial to set an artificial deadline.
Considerations Before Ending the Relationship
Along with the reasons above, here are some other factors to prayerfully consider before breaking up:
Have you fully forgiven past wrongs?
Harboring bitterness and anger damages relationships (Ephesians 4:31-32). Healthy connections require extending grace as God has to us.
Have you openly communicated your concerns?
Honest, patient communication solves many problems and misunderstandings (Ephesians 4:15). Make sure you have calmly expressed your perspectives before concluding the relationship is unfixable.
Is now the best time?
During times of heightened emotion or stress like grief, major life changes, or conflict, relationship decisions are often clouded. Wait until you can think clearly (Proverbs 21:5).
Have you sought wise counsel?
Getting grounded advice from mature Christians helps provide clarity and prevent rash choices (Proverbs 11:14). Listen humbly even when it is hard.
Are you dependent on the relationship for identity/joy?
If your sense of value and happiness is found predominantly in dating, your judgement may be skewed. True identity and purpose are found in Christ alone (Galatians 2:20).
Could you both benefit from counseling/mentoring?
Seeking outside help to work through issues demonstrates commitment and humility. This can powerfully strengthen relationships (Hebrews 12:11).
How to Break Up
If after prayerful consideration you believe ending the relationship is right, here are some tips:
Do it in person
Avoid easy but impersonal methods like texts or calls. Meet in a private location and allow adequate time for a caring discussion (Matthew 18:15).
Speak with gentleness and respect
Do not use accusations or insults. Kindness and clarity help the other understand this decision comes from a place of care, not rejection (Proverbs 15:1).
Avoid blaming
Highlight issues without attacking character. Blame often puts people on the defensive. Own your own contribution to problems (Matthew 7:3-5).
Clearly explain reasons
While being sensitive, give specifics so they understand. Vague explanations leave room for false hope and prolonged pain (Ephesians 4:25).
Offer forgiveness
Let go of bitterness and communicate your desire for goodwill between you. This promotes healing (Mark 11:25).
Give space initially
Limit contact for a season to allow adjustment to singleness. Later, you can reevaluate whether renewed friendship is possible and wise (Acts 24:23).
Entrust it to God
Whatever the response, release the situation to Him in prayer. Seek comfort in God’s sovereignty, wisdom, and love (1 Peter 5:6-7).
Breaking up is rarely easy, even when it is the right choice. Seeking abundant wisdom from God’s Word and the counsel of mature believers is crucial when navigating these difficult relational decisions. With much prayer and humility, God will guide and sustain us through life’s ups and downs.
