Tithing – the practice of giving 10% of one’s income to the church – can be a source of disagreement within marriages. When a husband and wife don’t see eye to eye on how much money to give to their local church or other Christian ministries, it can lead to tension and conflict.
The Bible has much to say about money and possessions, but does not provide exact instructions on how much a married couple should give. There are principles and guidelines that can help inform decisions about tithing and giving when spouses disagree.
Biblical Principles on Giving
Here are some key biblical principles on financial giving that provide a framework for working through disagreements between spouses:
1. Everything we have belongs to God
“The earth is the Lord’s, and everything in it, the world, and all who live in it” (Psalm 24:1). God owns it all – our money, possessions, and even our very lives. We are simply managers or stewards of what God has entrusted to us during our lifetimes (1 Corinthians 4:7). This biblical truth challenges the notion that we are free to do whatever we want with “our” money and possessions.
2. God desires us to give generously and cheerfully
“Each of you should give what you have decided in your heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver” (2 Corinthians 9:7). While 10% may be a helpful guideline, God cares more about the heart attitude behind our giving than an exact percentage. Do we give willingly and cheerfully, or begrudgingly?
3. Giving demonstrates our love for God
“For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also” (Matthew 6:21). Jesus taught that our money and possessions are closely connected to our spiritual lives. Generous giving expresses our gratitude and devotion to God. When we hold tightly to money, it can reveal a heart that loves material things more than God.
4. God promises to provide for and bless those who give generously
“Give, and it will be given to you…for with the measure you use, it will be measured to you” (Luke 6:38). While we should not give just to get something back, Scripture clearly teaches that generosity and blessing go hand-in-hand. As we meet the needs of others, God meets our needs in return.
5. Giving should be voluntary, not forced
Paul wrote about an offering being given “as a matter of generosity and not as a grudging obligation” (2 Corinthians 9:5). God cares more about freely given offerings from the heart than contributions given out of guilt, pressure or duty. Believers should not be coerced into tithing or giving a certain amount.
Navigating Disagreement Between Spouses
With these principles in mind, how can husbands and wives navigate disagreements about tithing or charitable giving? Here are some biblical considerations:
1. Seek unity through prayer and Scripture
When disagreements arise, couples should commit to praying together humbly for God’s wisdom and guidance through his Word (Proverbs 3:5-6). Study biblical passages on stewardship and generosity together. The goal is not for one spouse to “win” but for both to gain understanding of God’s principles.
2. Communicate openly and lovingly
Couples need to share openly about their beliefs, hopes, fears and expectations when it comes to giving. Listening carefully to understand a spouse’s perspective embodies the “love is patient…love is kind” ethic of 1 Corinthians 13. Make giving decisions together in a spirit of gentleness and compromise.
3. Consider proportional or graduated giving
If spouses differ greatly on an appropriate giving amount, they might agree to a proportional split based on each person’s income. For example, a wife who earns $60,000 and wants to give 10% could give $6,000. If her husband earning $40,000 wants to give 5%, he gives $2,000. So their total is $8,000. Another option is to agree to a giving level both are comfortable with and gradually increase the percentage over time as finances allow.
4. Remember God owns it all
Couples only manage the resources God has entrusted to them during their lifetimes. They are called to be faithful stewards not ultimate owners. This liberates spouses to hold their finances with an open hand and give generously in ways pleasing to God.
5. Seek wise counsel if needed
A neutral third party like a pastor or financial advisor can help provide biblical guidance. They may offer perspective or creative compromises a couple cannot see due to the emotional nature of disagreements over money.
Practical Considerations on Tithing
Along with general biblical principles on giving, here are some practical issues for couples to consider regarding the practice of tithing specifically:
What is “income”?
Married couples need to agree on a definition of income. Is it gross salary before taxes and deductions? Net take-home pay? Should bonuses, tax refunds or investment gains be included? Being clear on what constitutes income is important for consistent tithing.
Whose income?
Should tithe be calculated based on the husband’s income, wife’s income or total household income? This gets more complicated when one or both spouses are self-employed. There is no one “right” answer biblically, so couples should decide jointly.
Timing of tithe
Some couples tithe weekly off the husband’s paycheck. Others tithe monthly or quarterly. Annual lump sum gifts work for those with variable or seasonal income. There is wisdom in setting a consistent approach to the timing of giving a tithe.
What expenses come first?
Most budgets require balancing giving with saving and spending. While tithing can come off the top, couples may differ on priorities like retirement savings, college funds or vacations. Talk through an order of funding important line items.
What ministries to support?
While tithing often supports the local church, Christians have freedom to give financially wherever God leads them. Spouses may have different interests like denominational missions, parachurch groups, or global relief. Seek compromise on ministry recipients.
Taxes and tithe
In the U.S., charitable contributions are tax deductible, including tithes. But tax considerations should not drive giving decisions. Couples should give based on biblical conviction, not just tax advantages.
An extra blessing?
If finances allow, spouses may choose to give above and beyond the tithe. They can save extra gifts for special occasions like an anniversary or a work bonus. This brings joy and reflects God’s bountiful blessings.
When a Spouse Is Opposed to Tithing
What if after prayer and discussion, one spouse remains opposed to tithing? Or wants to tithe an amount the other spouse deems too small? This presents a serious dilemma. Here are some options that preserve marital unity:
The volunteering spouse tithes from their discretionary funds
The spouse desiring to tithe could contribute just their portion using individual discretionary funds or a personal account. This allows them to honor their conviction without forcing the issue.
Begin tithing a smaller negotiable amount
If the no-tithe spouse eventually agrees to, say, 5%, the other could top up to reach 10%. Over time, the lower-giving spouse may gain a vision for generosity and increase the percentage.
Seeking wise counsel
Pastoral guidance, financial counseling or marriage mentoring can help couples struggling with lopsided giving. The counselor must grasp both spouses’ perspectives sensitively.
Focus giving on other worthy areas
Tithing specifically to a church is not required in Scripture. Couples could potentially shift giving to meet urgent needs through compassion projects and charities they mutually support.
Wait patiently for change of heart
Forcing the issue risks breeding resentment. The volunteering spouse can pray and lovingly model generous giving in hopes their partner will eventually be convicted to also give more.
Consider blessings not amount
Rather than judging a spouse’s unwillingness to tithe certain amounts, focus on how to steward blessings through generosity however big or small. God can multiply even tiny gifts.
Single Income Households
Determining tithe and offering amounts can get more complicated when a husband or wife is not working outside the home. Here are some factors for couples to talk through:
View household income jointly
Regardless of its source, income belongs to the family unit. Some may see the working spouse as solely responsible for providing and tithing. But in marriage, financial resources should usually be pooled and shared.
Consider non-financial contributions
The stay-at-home spouse often contributes greatly to the household through parenting, housework, errands, meal preparation and more. These efforts make the working spouse’s income possible. Both partners sacrifice and invest in different ways.
Set a percentage jointly
The income-earning spouse should not alone decide the tithe amount. Couples should pray and decide on a percentage together, based on shared values and goals.
Factor in future earning potential
A spouse at home now may return to the workforce later. Their future earning capacity made possible by present sacrifices should carry some sway in current giving amounts.
Give the stay-at-home spouse a “vote”
Make the non-working partner’s input in tithing and ministry support decisions equivalent to the working spouse. See their sacrifice as earning equal “ownership” rights over giving.
Giving When Facing Financial Challenges
Many couples struggle with whether and how much to tithe when facing difficult financial circumstances like debt, loss of income or a crisis. Here are some biblical principles for this situation:
Seek God’s kingdom and trust His provision
In Matthew 6:33 Jesus urges, “Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” Generous giving requires faith that as we prioritize God, He will provide what we need.
Remember God owns it all
No matter how little income we have, it is all from God. He calls us to steward His resources wisely and share even in times of lack. As Paul wrote, “For if the willingness is there, the gift is acceptable according to what one has, not according to what one does not have” (2 Corinthians 8:12).
Give sacrificially, not fearfully
Fear of not having enough often hinders generosity. But Scripture praises the poor widow who gave two small coins – all she had (Luke 21:1-4). Her sacrifice pleased God, showing her trust in Him.
Set giving priorities and limits
Provide for your family, pay off debt, and build emergency savings (1 Timothy 5:8). With remaining funds, give generously to advance God’s work. Limit frivolous spending to free up more for giving.
Make thriftiness a spiritual act
Finding ways to save money through careful budgeting and downsizing allows increased giving. As Paul wrote, “For if the willingness is there, the gift is acceptable according to what one has, not according to what one does not have” (2 Corinthians 8:12).
Remember rewards are based on proportional sacrifice
Jesus praised the widow’s mite, worth a fraction of the large gifts of the rich. Similarly, He may bless small acts of generosity today when given in faith and proportional to the resources entrusted to us.
Ask God to provide for greater giving
As God blesses our faithfulness and improves our circumstances, we can give more. The Macedonian believers gave abundantly from poverty with overflowing joy. God may choose a similar path for us (2 Corinthians 8:1-5).
Giving When One Spouse Is an Unbeliever
A particularly difficult situation arises when one spouse becomes a believer after marriage but their partner does not. They may strongly oppose church contributions. Some options to consider are:
Communicate respectfully and sensitively
The believing spouse should share biblical reasons for desiring to give but avoid seeming judgmental. They should assure their spouse they understand it may take time to gain understanding of their new spiritual convictions.
Suggest gradual or proportional giving
To make giving less objectionable, the believing spouse might ask to contribute just a small percentage like 2%. They can also offer to give an amount proportional to their share of income or assets.
Use discretionary personal funds
As mentioned above, the believer can tithe from their discretionary money outside the household budget if needed to avoid greater conflict.
Shift focus to other service and generosity
Look for ways to advance God’s kingdom beyond just financial contributions – volunteering, hospitality, acts of service, relational witness, etc.
Get guidance from church leaders
Pastors or mature mentors can provide wisdom, encouragement and support for navigating such a delicate situation in ways that honor both Christ and the unbelieving spouse.
Trust God’s work in their partner’s heart
The believing spouse should pray continually for God to work in their spouse’s heart over time. They should remain open to hearing each other’s perspectives on finances and giving.
Building Agreement as a Couple
Below are some final tips that can help couples build agreement on tithing and giving amid differences:
Commit to biblical priorities together
A couple should jointly affirm biblical principles of stewardship and desire to honor God with their finances, even if specific amounts differ. Shared vision and values matter most.
Seek unity, not uniformity
On non-essential matters like the precise amount to give, unity allows diversity. Couples should grant grace amid differences on debatable matters not explicitly commanded in scripture.
Move toward each other, not further apart
Spouses should avoid stubborn stances of “my way or the highway.” Each can ask, “How can I meet you halfway?” They grow closer through mutual sacrifice and compromise.
Compensate through other acts of service
A spouse contributing less financially can find other ways to give back and advance God’s work – through personal involvement in ministries, hospitality, volunteering, etc.
Revisit giving as a couple annually
Couples should evaluate their tithing and generosity routinely, considering changing needs, new ministry opportunities, financial changes, and personal spiritual growth.
Celebrate blessings from unified giving
Recount specific ways God has worked through your joint contributions. Recall ministry stories, notes of thanks, or changed lives. This builds vision for ongoing generosity.
Conclusion
Disagreements between spouses over issues like tithing amount can certainly be challenging. But through prayer, seeking scriptural wisdom, open communication, patience, and compromise, couples can find unity in giving. Most importantly, they demonstrate that money’s hold on us is broken when God becomes the first priority. Generosity arises from recognizing God as owner of all we have. When stewarding finances in ways pleasing to Him, blessings inevitably follow.
