Being hurt by the church can be an incredibly painful and challenging experience. As Christians, we are called to be part of the body of Christ and find community within the church. However, the church is made up of imperfect people who can and do hurt each other. If you have been wounded by the church, know that you are not alone and there are ways to find healing according to God’s word.
Acknowledge the Hurt
The first step is to acknowledge the pain you are feeling and recognize that it is valid. Try not to minimize your hurt or just “get over it” quickly. What you experienced matters and had a real impact. Give yourself time to grieve the relationships that may have been broken and expectations that were not met (Ecclesiastes 3:4). God sees your heartache and cares.
Release Bitterness
Bitterness can take root when we have been hurt, building up in ways that affect our thoughts and attitudes toward others. The Bible warns about allowing bitterness to remain in our hearts (Hebrews 12:15). As difficult as it is, make the choice to release bitterness toward those who have hurt you. This may involve offering forgiveness even if the other person never apologizes. Forgiveness is a process that you may have to revisit many times, but God can help you each step of the way as you surrender it to Him.
Separate People from God
Remember that people and God are not the same. The church is made up of imperfect humans who fail one another. But God never fails us. Don’t allow hurt caused by people to negatively impact your relationship with God. He loves you unconditionally and wants you to draw close to Him, even when others have let you down (Psalms 34:18). Keep speaking to Him in prayer.
Find Supportive Community
Look for those who will love and support you well in the aftermath of your hurt. This may be a few trusted friends or a small group Bible study. Share your journey with those who will listen, care and point you to God’s truths. “Therefore encourage one another and build each other up” (1 Thessalonians 5:11). Healing happens best in supportive community rather than total isolation.
Examine Your Part
Once you have gained some emotional distance, carefully consider if you played any role in the conflict. Were you absolutely blameless? Most conflicts have fault on both sides. Ask God to reveal any ways you may have contributed, not to shame you but so that you can grow and avoid repeating the same relational pitfalls in the future. “Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the Lord” (Lamentations 3:40).
Limit Gossip
Spreading gossip about those who hurt you can feel momentarily satisfying but ends up being an unhealthy release that breeds more disunity. Commit to not speaking negatively about the situation. “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs” (Ephesians 4:29). Break the cycle of gossip that damages relationships.
Pray for Your Enemies
Jesus calls us to an incredibly high standard in relationships – loving and praying for our enemies (Matthew 5:44). Start praying that God would bless those who hurt you and change your own heart toward them. Ask Him for eyes to see them as broken individuals in need of grace, just like yourself. Approach relationships from a place of humility rather than pride.
Trust in God’s Sovereignty
Believe that God can redeem any situation for good (Romans 8:28). He is at work even in the midst of our painful circumstances and deepest hurts. “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds” (Psalm 147:3). Surrender control to Him and look expectantly for how He will bring restoration from this. God’s purposes will prevail.
Seek Wise Counsel
Share your story with mature Christians who can provide biblical wisdom, transparency and objectivity. “The wise listen to advice” (Proverbs 12:15). Allow them to gently help you view the situation through a lens of grace and point out any “blind spots” you may have. Be open to their godly perspectives on how to move forward.
Pursue Reconciliation
If appropriate and possible, seek to reconcile with those who hurt you. Do your part in restoring the relationship through apology, forgiveness, and open communication. “If your brother or sister sins against you, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them” (Luke 17:3). Reconciliation may not always succeed, but make every effort to be at peace with others.
Remember God’s Faithfulness
Reflect on ways God has remained faithful to you through difficult seasons of life. Thank Him for sustaining you and continuing to meet your needs. “Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory” (Psalm 73:23-24). He will walk with you through this valley.
Embrace Humility
Let this be an opportunity to grow in humility. We all have weaknesses and make mistakes that affect others. “Clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, ‘God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble'” (1 Peter 5:5). Approach the future with grace and patience toward others who hurt you.
Look for Ways to Serve
Ask God to birth something redemptive from your pain. Look for opportunities to serve in your church or community, rather than allowing hurt to make you withdraw and become isolated. Be the difference you want to see and model the giving spirit you wish you had received from others.
Allow Time to Heal
Don’t try to rush through the recovery process or ignore your pain. Set realistic expectations for healing. “He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted” (Isaiah 61:1). Find comfort knowing that God is near to the brokenhearted and understands the depth of your pain. Let Him set the timeline for restoration.
Learn from the Experience
Ask God to show you lessons that can be gleaned from this painful season. What truths about yourself, relationships or the church have been revealed? “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance” (James 1:2-3). Grow in maturity and wisdom.
Focus on God’s Presence
Keep your eyes fixed on Jesus, not the failures of people. “Let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus” (Hebrews 12:1-2). Fill your heart with biblical truths about God’s love and redemption. Don’t allow bitterness against others to pull you away from your Heavenly Father.
Celebrate Progress
Remind yourself of positive steps forward on your healing journey. Notice when your attitude improves, bitterness subsides or you are able to release forgiveness. “Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!” (Philippians 4:4). God is at work in you – give Him praise.
