Dealing with abusive adult children can be extremely challenging and heartbreaking for parents. As parents, we want the best for our children and hope to have loving relationships with them. However, sometimes our adult children make choices that are hurtful and damaging. When a grown child is verbally, emotionally, financially, or even physically abusive, parents are faced with complex questions of how to respond in a godly way.
The Bible does not specifically address the issue of adult children abusing their parents. However, there are principles and examples that can guide parents in how to handle abusive grown children in a wise and faithful manner. Here are some biblical considerations for parents struggling with this painful situation:
1. Continue to love without enabling sin
As parents, our love for our children is steadfast, extending throughout their lives. The Bible commands parents to bring children up in the training and instruction of the Lord (Ephesians 6:4). This does not end when children reach adulthood. Parents must continue to love their children while also recognizing that enabling sinful and abusive behavior is not loving. Tough love may require setting boundaries and consequences for the protection of both parent and child (Proverbs 23:13-14).
Loving a wayward child may mean allowing them to experience the consequences of their actions in order for them to come to repentance (Luke 15:11-32). With wisdom and discernment, parents can demonstrate unconditional love while refusing to enable an abusive child’s sinful patterns.
2. Guard your heart and mind
When mistreated by their adult children, parents may struggle with anger, resentment, depression, fear, and other difficult emotions. The Bible encourages us to guard our hearts in every situation (Proverbs 4:23). Parents should beware of allowing a child’s behavior to overwhelm them or lead them into bitterness.
Rather than obsessing over the actions of the abusive child, parents can choose to dwell on whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable (Philippians 4:8) and seek God’s peace that transcends understanding (Philippians 4:7). Parents can guard their minds and prevent further hurt by limiting contact with the abusive child if necessary.
3. Continue to pray and hope
No matter how far a child wanders, parents can always pray and hope for their redemption. God desires everyone to come to repentance and faith (2 Peter 3:9), and His power to transform lives is unmatched. Parents feeling helpless in the face of an abusive child’s behavior can know that bringing the situation before God in prayer is impactful (James 5:16).
Praying for the child’s heart to change and turn toward God is wise and good. Parents can ask others to pray as well, believing God for a miracle. Though the child is ultimately responsible for his or her choices, parents’ prayers pave the way for redemption.
4. Seek godly counsel and intervention when needed
Walking through this trial alone can be overwhelming for parents. Seeking support and guidance from pastors, professional Christian counselors, and mature believers can provide much-needed comfort, perspective, and direction. The book of Proverbs speaks extensively to the value of godly counsel (Proverbs 11:14). Wise guidance helps parents navigate setting healthy boundaries and upholding consequences for abusive behavior.
In some extreme cases where there is threat of harm, parents may need to consider legal measures or temporary separation from the abusive child. Godly counselors can help parents discern if and when firmer intervention is biblically justified.
5. Look to God as your Father
For parents struggling with the weight of an abusive child’s rejection, it is important to be reminded of God’s perfect, unconditional fatherly love. Earthly parents are flawed, but God is the perfect Father who promises never to leave or forsake His children (Deuteronomy 31:6). Parents can be comforted knowing that God fully understands the hurt they feel. He welcomes them to, “Cast all your anxiety on him, because he cares for you” (1 Peter 5:7).
Drawing close to God as heavenly Father brings validation, care, strength and hope that earthly relationships cannot provide. His arms are always open to hurting parents seeking comfort and refuge.
6. Give space but be open to reconciliation
In some cases, an abusive child is unwilling to acknowledge their harmful behavior and continues in sinful patterns. This may necessitate parents creating some physical or emotional distance from the child to prevent further mistreatment and uphold godly boundaries. However, parents should not permanently shut the door on the relationship.
The Bible speaks of the importance of reconciliation and restoration in broken relationships (Matthew 18:15-17). Parents can continue praying for their child’s repentance and be open to future restoration of the relationship if the child demonstrates genuine godly sorrow and repentance (2 Corinthians 7:10-11).
7. Turn to God for comfort and strength
There will be deep hurt in the face of rejection and abuse from an adult child. Parents may wrestle with feelings of guilt, failure, shame, and grief. The Bible encourages those going through trials to cast “all your anxiety on him, because he cares for you” (1 Peter 5:7). Pouring out one’s heart to God provides comfort and strength.
God promises to be close to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18). Parents can turn to Him in their pain, confident that He will lift them up and sustain them (Psalms 55:22, Psalms 147:3). Though the relationship with their child brings anguish, God’s presence provides ever-present peace and hope.
8. Let go of guilt and shame
Some parents may blame themselves when their children choose abusive behaviors, wondering “Where did I go wrong?” It is natural as a parent to feel responsible, but in truth, adult children alone are responsible for their actions. Parents must avoid crippling guilt over their child’s decisions. Letting go of false guilt and shame is freeing for parents.
The Bible says, “Each of us will give an account of ourselves to God” (Romans 14:12). All parents are imperfect, but God’s grace covers sin. His strength is made perfect in human weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9). Parents can rest knowing they did the best they could, confessing their shortcomings to God.
9. Trust God’s sovereignty and timing
Loving an abusive child while upholding godly wisdom requires much prayer, discernment, and patience from parents. It can be incredibly complex and exhausting navigating this relationship. Parents may wonder if their child will ever change or if restoration is possible.
In the confusion, parents can lean on God’s sovereignty and timing. His ways and thoughts are higher than human understanding (Isaiah 55:8-9). Parents can trust that God remains in control, working all things according to His purposes and timing which is often different than our own. He is able to accomplish more than we ask or imagine (Ephesians 3:20).
10. Rely on the body of Christ
God never intends His children to walk through trials alone. Parents navigating abusive adult children need the support and care of the church body. The Bible commands Christians to “Carry each other’s burdens” (Galatians 6:2). God’s people are called to surround hurting parents with prayer, encouragement, and practical support.
Whether through a Bible-believing church, small group, or mentoring relationships, parents can seek out other believers to lift them up during this season. The body of Christ brings strength, perspective and hope when human relationships break down.
Walking forward in wisdom and faithfulness is extremely difficult for parents with abusive adult children. But God promises to be close to the brokenhearted, continually guiding parents in how to love their child while rejecting abusive behavior and upholding godly boundaries and values. By clinging to the perfect heavenly Father, parents can rest in His comfort, strength, and redemption even when earthly relationships bring pain. With God’s help, parents can wait in hope, believing their child’s life can be redeemed and transformed by the power of Christ’s love.
