My spouse came out as gay. What should I do?
This can be an incredibly difficult and emotional situation for a spouse. Discovering that your husband or wife is gay and wants to pursue same-sex relationships can turn your world upside down. You may feel a range of emotions – hurt, anger, confusion, betrayal. You may wonder what this means for your marriage and family. Here is a 9000 word exploration of what the Bible says about homosexuality and some guidance for Christians navigating this challenge.
The Bible’s View on Homosexuality
First, it’s important to understand what the Bible teaches about homosexuality. There are a handful of passages that directly address same-sex relations:
Genesis 19:1-11 – This passage describes the wickedness of Sodom and Gomorrah. The men of the city pursue sexual relations with Lot’s angelic guests.
Leviticus 18:22 – “You shall not lie with a male as with a woman; it is an abomination.”
Leviticus 20:13 – “If a man lies with a male as with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination; they shall surely be put to death; their blood is upon them.”
Romans 1:26-27 – “For this reason God gave them up to dishonorable passions. For their women exchanged natural relations for those that are contrary to nature; and the men likewise gave up natural relations with women and were consumed with passion for one another, men committing shameless acts with men and receiving in themselves the due penalty for their error.”
1 Corinthians 6:9-10 – “Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.”
1 Timothy 1:9-10 – “Understanding this, that the law is not laid down for the just but for the lawless and disobedient, for the ungodly and sinners, for the unholy and profane, for those who strike their fathers and mothers, for murderers, the sexually immoral, men who practice homosexuality, enslavers, liars, perjurers, and whatever else is contrary to sound doctrine.”
These verses make clear that the Bible condemns homosexuality as sinful. Same-sex relations are viewed as unnatural, against God’s design for sexuality and marriage. According to Scripture, homosexuality is one of many sins that separate people from God and prevent them from inheriting the kingdom of God.
However, it’s important to note that the Bible does not single out homosexuality as particularly egregious. It is listed among many other sins that God calls people to turn away from through repentance and faith in Jesus Christ. The good news of the gospel is that forgiveness and new life are available to all sinners, including those struggling with same-sex attraction.
Now that we’ve summarized the Bible’s view, let’s explore how a Christian can respond lovingly but faithfully when their spouse comes out as gay.
Responding with Love and Truth
Discovering your spouse’s struggle with same-sex attraction can be devastating. You may feel your whole world is collapsing. In the midst of shock, pain and confusion, it’s so important to respond in a way that both upholds God’s truth and conveys Christlike love. Here are some suggestions:
1. Seek the Lord in prayer. This trial requires much wisdom and grace, which only God can provide. Pour out your heart to Him. Ask Him to help you understand your spouse’s struggle, remain steadfast in your faith, and exude the love of Christ. Pray for your spouse, asking God to meet them in their pain and confusion. “Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need” (Hebrews 4:16).
2. Listen to understand. Give your spouse the gift of being fully heard as they explain their journey. Avoid interjecting your own thoughts and feelings. Follow the admonition of James 1:19 – “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” Ask clarifying questions to comprehend their perspective. Listening demonstrates love and respect.
3. Share your heart candidly. Once your spouse feels heard, then you can kindly share your thoughts, beliefs and feelings. Explain your commitment to Christ, your understanding of Scripture, and your desire to honor God in this. Affirm your love and care for your spouse as you work through this together. “Speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ” (Ephesians 4:15).
4. Get wise counsel. This trial requires much wisdom. Seek out your pastor, a biblically-grounded Christian counselor, or a mature believer to help guide you. “The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice” (Proverbs 12:15). Be wary of secular counsel that may lead you away from God’s design for sexuality, marriage and family.
5. Set healthy boundaries. Loving your spouse does not mean approving of all their desires or actions. Establish boundaries to protect your marriage and family. For example, your spouse should not expect you to support them having extramarital same-sex relationships. That defies God’s clear commands. Boundaries demonstrate love by protecting what God has given.
6. Consider separation if necessary. In some cases, a temporary separation may be needed while you each process this revelation and determine next steps. This does not necessitate divorce but simply provides space and time to heal, grow and decide the future. “To the married I give this charge (not I, but the Lord): the wife should not separate from her husband (but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband), and the husband should not divorce his wife” (1 Corinthians 7:10-11).
7. Seek biblical reconciliation if possible. God’s ideal is redemption and restoration in marriages. If genuine repentance and forgiveness occur, reconciliation may be possible. Much prayer, counsel and effort will be needed to rebuild trust and intimacy, both emotionally and physically. Do not attempt this alone – enlist wise help. “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9).
8. Honor God in next steps if reconciliation impossible. If your spouse remains unrepentant and committed to the LGBTQ lifestyle, reconciliation likely will not happen. As painful as it is, you may have to allow the marriage to end. Yet you can still honor God – by relying on Him through the grief, parenting well, staying true to biblical sexuality, and hoping your spouse will one day return to Christ. “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:28).
9. Surround yourself with biblical community. You need support from other believers who hold to God’s design for sexuality and marriage. They can encourage you, pray with you and help you make wise decisions. “But exhort one another every day, as long as it is called ‘today,’ that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin” (Hebrews 3:13).
10. Rest in God’s sovereignty and goodness. This devastating situation is not surprising to God. He remains sovereign over all things. He will walk with you through this valley and faithfully complete His good work in you. “And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ” (Philippians 1:6).
As you navigate this challenge, hold fast to these biblical truths:
– God designed marriage to be a lifelong covenant between one man and one woman (Genesis 2:24, Matthew 19:4-6).
– Sexual intimacy is reserved for marriage between husband and wife (Hebrews 13:4).
– Same-sex relations violate God’s intentional design for sex and are called sinful (Leviticus 18:22, Romans 1:26-27).
– All people have sinned and fall short of God’s glory (Romans 3:23).
– God promises forgiveness and new life to all who repent and believe in Christ (1 John 1:9, John 3:16).
– Christians are called to speak truth and extend grace as we relate to those who identify as LGBTQ (Ephesians 4:15).
– God is able to redeem seemingly hopeless situations for His glory (Genesis 50:20).
Talking to Your Children
If you have children, this situation becomes even more delicate. Your kids likely have many questions and fears. Age-appropriate honest conversations are so important. Here are some tips:
– Affirm your unconditional love. Ensure your children feel secure in your unwavering love for them.
– Listen compassionately. Give them space to share their confusions, hurts and concerns without judgement.
– Clarify misconceptions. Correct gently any untrue assumptions they may have about identity, sexuality, marriage, and sin.
– Emphasize biblical truth. Help them understand God’s design for humanity, sex, and marriage. Let Scripture guide your perspective.
– Instill hope. This is an opportunity to point them to the hope found only in Christ, both now and for eternity.
– Monitor for trauma. Watch for any signs they may need counseling to process the upheaval and transition in family dynamics.
– Be united with your spouse. Come alongside your spouse lovingly when talking with your kids. Model grace, forgiveness and hope.
– Limit exposure. Be careful about how much your kids are exposed to regarding this issue. Some details are not appropriate for young ears.
– Answer questions simply. Respond to their questions at their level of understanding. Don’t overwhelm them with more than they can handle.
– Pray together. Bring your kids before the Lord consistently. Ask Him for wisdom and His supernatural peace and comfort.
Your kids will take cues from you as their parent. When you ground yourself in God’s truth and grace, you can gently shepherd their hearts through this trying situation. Surround them with godly influences so they have a positive support system. God can use even this hardship for good in their lives.
In closing, if your spouse has come out as gay, humble yourself before God. The road ahead will be difficult. Seek the Lord intimately. Pour out your heart to Him. Stay rooted in the truth and grace of the gospel. God promises to sustain you and use this trial for your good and His glory.
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30)