Pornography addiction is a major issue facing many marriages today. If you are struggling with pornography and wondering if you should confess this to your spouse, here is some biblical guidance on this difficult subject.
The Damage of Pornography
First, it’s important to understand why pornography use is so destructive. Pornography distorts God’s beautiful design for sexuality and marriage. It treats people as objects for selfish pleasure rather than as whole persons made in God’s image (Genesis 1:27). Prolonged use rewires the brain, potentially leading to escalating habits and addiction (Matthew 5:28). It fuels the evil sex trade that preys on vulnerable people.
Most importantly, pornography is adultery of the heart. Jesus said that lustfully looking at someone who is not your spouse is adultery (Matthew 5:28). Adultery deeply wounds one’s spouse and breaks the marital covenant. God hates adultery and jealousy because it destroys relationships (Proverbs 6:32, Song of Songs 8:6).
So if you are regularly viewing pornography, you are damaging your marriage, grieving your spouse, and sinning against God, even if your spouse does not know. This sin allows the enemy to gain a foothold and wreak havoc in your relationship (Ephesians 4:27).
The Need for Confession
The natural tendency is to hide your struggles in shame, thinking your spouse is better off not knowing. But living in secrecy damages trust and intimacy. It prevents your spouse from understanding your struggles or helping you fight sin. It impedes prayer, counseling, accountability, and healing.
Scripture teaches that confession and transparency is vital for overcoming sin. “Confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed” (James 5:16). “Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor” (Ephesians 4:25). Your spouse is the one with whom you have the deepest spiritual and emotional union. True intimacy requires confessing even embarrassing struggles.
Bringing your struggle into the light allows the Spirit to convict, heal, and transform you through your spouse’s love and prayers. “Walk in the light, as he is in the light, and we have fellowship with one another” (1 John 1:7). Hiding sin only lets it grow in darkness. Ultimately, confession allows your heart to fully return to your spouse (Proverbs 28:13).
How to Confess
Approach this sensitively and humbly. Your spouse may feel devastated, betrayed, and rejected. Emphasize your love, ask for forgiveness, and commit to change. Explain the steps you are taking to fight this addiction. Assure your spouse of their beauty and worth. Be patient as your spouse processes this emotionally. Recognize that rebuilding broken trust takes time.
Consider involving a pastor for counseling. Work on restoring intimacy in all areas of your marriage. Join an accountability group and install filters to help you resist temptation. Regular date nights, prayer together, and Scripture reading will nourish intimacy. God can bring tremendous healing and renewal through this painful process if you walk in repentance and transparency.
What If My Spouse Struggles Too?
Your spouse may admit they also view pornography or have in the past. Affirm your love and forgiveness, while emphasizing the importance of removing this sin from your lives. Do not use their struggle as an excuse for yourself. If your spouse is regularly using porn while you are trying to stop, that is an obstacle to overcoming the addiction and will require greater accountability.
However, if your spouse has an occasional slip-up while trying to change, respond in patience and grace. We all stumble at times. As sinners, we need to humbly help each other resist temptation, not condemn each other for struggling with sin. Extend the same gentle forgiveness you desire from your spouse.
“Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2). Keep praying, studying Scripture, and seeking counsel together. Celebrate each victory and lean on Christ’s strength and forgiveness when you fail.
What If My Spouse Rejects Me?
Your spouse may feel so betrayed that they initially reject you, threatening divorce or separation. This is extremely painful, but try to understand the overwhelming shock and hurt your spouse feels.
Give them space to process it, while assuring them of your love and commitment to change. Ask what you can do to rebuild broken trust. Remind them of Christ’s love and redemption. Seek pastoral guidance to promote healing. Continually pray for God to soften your spouse’s heart and unite you again (1 Corinthians 7:10-11).
Even if this leads to temporary separation, use this time to devote yourself fully to God’s work in you. Draw near to Him, and He will draw near to you and restore your marriage (James 4:8). Continue pursuing your spouse’s heart gently. God sometimes uses the most broken places to bring the greatest restoration.
Can I Handle This Alone?
Overcoming addiction requires community and accountability. If you try to stop in your own power, you will likely fail. “If you bite and devour one another, watch out that you are not consumed by one another” (Galatians 5:15).
Surround yourself with Christian friends or a support group who will keep you accountable. Meet regularly to confess failures, pray together, and encourage each other in resisting temptation. “Confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed” (James 5:16). Install filtering software, give your spouse access to your devices, and avoid compromising situations.
No matter how many times you stumble, draw near to Jesus, trusting His forgiveness and power to help you change. “Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need” (Hebrews 4:16). Through Him, you can overcome.
If your spouse feels betrayed by your addiction, confession and repentance opens the door to eventual restoration. While painful in the moment, walking in the light and interceding for each other makes true intimacy possible again. So take courage, and humbly seek help. In Christ, there is always hope for hearts to be reconciled.
