The Bible has a lot to say about family relationships, including the relationship between parents and children. While parents are called to guide, instruct, and discipline their children, the Bible warns against parents who are overly harsh, demanding, or controlling.
Here are some key principles the Bible teaches about overbearing or controlling parents:
Parents are called to raise children in love and wisdom, not exasperation
Ephesians 6:4 says, “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” While parents have authority over their children, they are not to misuse that authority in a way that frustrates or provokes their children to anger.
Colossians 3:21 similarly warns, “Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.” Heavy-handedness and cruelty have no place in godly parenting.
Parents should be gentle and patient in training their children
Proverbs 15:1 says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Parents should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger in their interactions with their children (James 1:19).
1 Thessalonians 2:7 describes how Paul and his companions were “gentle among you, like a nursing mother taking care of her own children.” This models the type of tender, patient care parents should show their children.
Parents should not provoke their children to anger
As mentioned in Ephesians 6:4, parents should be careful not to provoke their children to anger. This means avoiding extreme harshness, cruelty, belittling, and unreasonable demands that will breed resentment and rebellion.
Colossians 3:21 and Romans 13:13 both warn against provoking others. Parents should examine their interactions with their children and remove anything that is unnecessarily provoking.
Parents should treat children equally and fairly
Favoritism has no place in the family. Genesis 25 tells of Isaac’s preferential treatment of Esau over Jacob, leading to lasting strife. Proverbs warns against favoring either the poor or the rich (Proverbs 22:2, 28:21).
Parents must look beyond outward traits and treat children as equally precious, made in God’s image. Each child should feel valued for who they are.
Parents should not crush a child’s spirit
Overbearing parents can crush a child’s spirit through constant criticism, impossible standards, or communication that breeds insecurity and low self-worth. Proverbs repeatedly warns against such parenting:
“Folly brings joy to one who has no sense, but whoever has understanding keeps a straight course” (Proverbs 15:21). Children become exasperated and develop “folly” when parents have unrealistic expectations.
“A person’s spirit sustains them in sickness, but a crushed spirit who can bear?” (Proverbs 18:14). Harsh parenting crushes spirits.
“A discerning person keeps wisdom in view, but a fool’s eyes wander to the ends of the earth” (Proverbs 17:24). Overbearing parents expect foolish perfectionism rather than nurturing wisdom.
Parents should not exalt themselves over their children
Some parents rule their home like a dictator, demanding absolute obedience and admiration. But Matthew 20:25-28 and 23:11-12 warn Christian leaders against exalting themselves or demanding others serve them.
Parents are called to raise children to independence, not foster unhealthy dependence and submission. Children should honor parents, not honor parents as idols.
Parents should acknowledge their mistakes and ask forgiveness when needed
Even godly parents will make mistakes. But wise parents acknowledge when they have sinned against their children. Leviticus 6:1-7 outlines the process of repentance and restitution.
Parents’ humility and repentance models godliness for children and fosters security. Children learn that authorities are fallible humans who admit fault. Parents should apologize and seek forgiveness whenever appropriate.
Parents should not neglect caring for their children
Children need love, affection, time, and availability from parents. Proverbs warn against parents who ignore or fail to prioritize children:
“Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them” (Proverbs 13:24). Discipline shows love, while neglect shows hate.
“The righteous care for the needs of their animals, but the kindest acts of the wicked are cruel” (Proverbs 12:10). If people care for animals, how much more should parents care for children’s needs.
“Those who oppress the poor show contempt for their Maker, but whoever is kind to the needy honors God” (Proverbs 14:31). Children in need deserve kind treatment.
Parents should lovingly discipline for the good of the child
Discipline is an act of love that teaches and corrects children (Proverbs 13:24). But it should be measured, thoughtful, not done in anger, and purposeful (Ephesians 6:4).
Loving discipline is:
- Controlled – not given in an outburst of anger (Proverbs 29:11)
- Thoughtful – appropriate to the offense (Proverbs 19:18)
- Fair – not excessive or overly harsh (Colossians 3:21)
- Firm yet gentle – not vengeful (Hebrews 12:5-11)
- Consistent – not sporadic or selective (1 Peter 1:17)
- Dialogical – involving discussion with the child (Proverbs 17:10)
- Forgiving – not condemning (Luke 6:37)
- Hopeful – looking to restore the child (Lamentations 3:31-33)
Parents should train children in godliness and wisdom
Parenting involves intentional spiritual training: “These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children” (Deuteronomy 6:6-7). Wise parenting instills character:
“Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it” (Proverbs 22:6).
“Direct your children onto the right path, and when they are older, they will not leave it” (Proverbs 22:6).
Parents should not assume children will mirror their sins
Overbearing parents often believe children will naturally repeat the parent’s sins and struggles. But Ezekiel 18 makes clear that children are held accountable for their own sins, not their parents’:
“The son will not share the guilt of the father, nor will the father share the guilt of the son” (Ezekiel 18:20).
“The one who sins is the one who will die. The child will not share the guilt of the parent, nor will the parent share the guilt of the child. The righteousness of the righteous will be credited to them, and the wickedness of the wicked will be charged against them” (Ezekiel 18:20).
Parents should train children to live independently with wisdom
Rather than demanding perpetual obedience, parents should gradually allow children to make their own decisions guided by wisdom:
“The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and pay the penalty” (Proverbs 27:12). Wise parenting develops prudence.
“The way of fools seems right to them, but the wise listen to advice” (Proverbs 12:15). Wisdom listens; folly ignores counsel.
“Folly brings joy to one who has no sense, but whoever has understanding keeps a straight course” (Proverbs 15:21). Wise children stay on course.
Parents should not cling to or withdraw support from adult children
As children reach adulthood, relationships naturally change. Parents should:
- Not cling in unhealthy dependence (Genesis 2:24)
- Give blessing to launch into independence (Genesis 28:1-4)
- Allow children to leave and cleave to a spouse (Genesis 2:24)
- Respect grown children’s autonomy (Luke 15:11-32)
- Be available to give advice and support when needed (Ruth 2:11-12)
Parents guide childhood, while adult children gain self-direction under God’s leading.
Parents should not demand honor from children
While children are to honor parents, parents should not demand honor (1 Peter 3:7). Forced honor is not true honor. Parents earn honor by caring more for their children’s interests than their own (Philippians 2:3-7).
Parents also honor their children by providing for their needs and training them in wisdom (Matthew 7:9-11). Mutual honor grows in an atmosphere of love and service, not entitlement.
Parents should not enable irresponsibility in their children
Some parents continue supporting and rescuing irresponsible adult children. But wisdom says:
“Those who work their land will have abundant food, but those who chase fantasies have no sense” (Proverbs 12:11). Work is rewarding; chasing fantasies leads nowhere.
“Dishonest money dwindles away, but whoever gathers money little by little makes it grow” (Proverbs 13:11). Steady work leads to prosperity.
Proverbs also warns against co-signing loans, putting up security, or going surety for another (Proverbs 6:1-5, 11:15, 17:18, 20:16, 22:26-27, 27:13). Parents should allow children to experience consequences.
Parents should pray for their children
Parents have the privilege of praying for their children. Rather than trying to control children’s lives, parents can cry out to God on their behalf. Ephesians 1 and 3 encourage prayer for future generations to walk in God’s ways and fulfill His purposes.
Consistent, believing prayer acknowledges God’s sovereignty over children’s lives. Prayer asks God to accomplish what parents cannot—spiritual transformation.
Parents should balance grace and truth like God
God relates to His children with perfect wisdom, demonstrating unconditional love yet uncompromising holiness. Parents should follow His model.
Parenting requires continually pursuing the Spirit’s guidance to know when to comfort and correct. Parents must hold together grace and truth, love and discipline. Then children experience God’s heart.
