Toxic relationships are unhealthy connections between two or more people that cause harm to one or all parties involved. These relationships exhibit patterns of dysfunction that can include abuse, control, manipulation, jealousy, possessiveness, criticism, contempt, dependence, and more. While no relationship is perfect, toxic relationships can deeply damage people emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually.
The Bible has much to say about the characteristics of healthy and godly relationships versus toxic and destructive ones. Guidance is provided on how to identify and respond to toxicity in relationships. Scripture also gives wisdom on setting boundaries, extending grace, finding healing after abuse, honoring marriage vows, and more. Let’s explore what God’s Word teaches regarding toxic relationships.
1. Toxic relationships exhibit sinful behaviors and attitudes that go against God’s design for healthy relationships.
All human relationships are meant to reflect the love, sacrifice, grace, mutual submission, and unity that exist between Jesus Christ and the church (Ephesians 5:21-33). But sin has corrupted God’s perfect design. When people exhibit patterns of selfishness, idolatry, pride, unforgiveness, jealousy, abuse, hatred, impatience, greed, lust, distrust, deception, and irresponsibility in a relationship, it becomes toxic and goes against how God intended relationships to function.
Galatians 5:19-21 describes behaviors and attitudes that are “works of the flesh” – aspects of our sin nature that manifest in harmful ways. Many of these directly apply to relational toxicity:
Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. (Galatians 5:19-21a)
Furthermore, Scripture outlines how love “does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered” (1 Corinthians 13:5). Toxic relationships, conversely, are breeding grounds for acting unbecomingly through abuse, selfishness, easily provoked anger, and unforgiveness.
2. Signs of a toxic relationship according to the Bible include possessiveness, irrational jealousy, manipulation, belittling, violence, lack of trust, dishonesty, and habitual conflict.
The book of Proverbs offers much discernment for assessing the health of a relationship. Signs of toxicity it points to include:
- Possessiveness or irrational jealousy (Proverbs 6:34-35, 27:4)
- Manipulation, crooked speech, or deceit (Proverbs 2:12, 6:24, 12:5-6)
- Belittling, insults, contempt (Proverbs 12:18, 15:1)
- Hatred, violence, fits of rage (Proverbs 10:12, 15:18, 16:29, 26:21)
- Gossip, slander, speaking rashly (Proverbs 10:18, 16:27-28, 26:20)
- Lack of trust, dishonesty (Proverbs 11:13, 25:19)
- Habitual conflict, strife, quarrels (Proverbs 17:14, 19:13, 21:9, 21:19, 25:24, 26:21)
Other red flags of an unhealthy relationship in Scripture include mistreatment, infidelity, abandonment, neglect, lack of compassion, and failure to provide (Exodus 21:10-11, Malachi 2:13-16, Mark 10:2-12, 1 Corinthians 7:12-16). Overall, toxicity breeds where godly love, respect, faithfulness, and the fruits of the Spirit are absent.
3. We must evaluate our own hearts first when faced with relational brokenness.
When experiencing chronic conflict or toxicity, our instinct can be to demonize the other person and insist we are innocent victims. But Scripture exhorts us to first take an honest look at our own hearts – our flaws, sins, and ways we may be contributing to dysfunction (Matthew 7:3-5).
The Bible says, “Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?” (Matthew 7:3). We are called to humbly examine our own hearts before rushing to judge or place full blame on another. Do we exhibit impatience, pride, selfishness, criticism, or other fruits of the sinful nature that add to the relationship’s breakdown?
Taking personal responsibility is key. We must seek wisdom from God’s Word on how we can grow and engage differently in the relationship by His grace (James 1:5). The goal should be restoration whenever possible.
4. When facing toxicity, we must set healthy boundaries and enact consequences when needed.
In certain relationships, especially those involving abuse or addiction, strong boundaries are essential for self-protection and upholding what is right. Scripture permits enacting tough consequences when someone is unrepentantly destructive or dangerous (Matthew 18:15-17, 1 Corinthians 5:1-5). We are not called to enable sinful behavior that harms ourselves or others.
Proverbs addresses this balance well. It teaches we should rebuke mockers to expose their bad behavior (Proverbs 9:7-8). But when rebuke is rejected, sometimes separation is warranted:
Drive out a scoffer, and strife will go out, and quarreling and abuse will cease. (Proverbs 22:10)
But even when establishing boundaries, God calls us to do so with respect, clarity, wisdom, self-control, and the guidance of spiritual leaders (Galatians 6:1, 2 Timothy 2:24-26, Titus 3:9-11). Reconciliation should still be pursued whenever possible.
5. An unwillingness to apologize, take responsibility, or change one’s behavior enables toxicity to persist.
For a toxic relationship to become healthy, both parties must recognize their contributions to dysfunction and make an effort to change by God’s power. Scripture says pride often hinders this process. Pride prevents us from seeing our own faults, taking ownership, and humbling ourselves to do what’s right:
By pride comes nothing but strife, but with the well-advised is wisdom. (Proverbs 13:10)
A failure or refusal to apologize for real wrongs done shows an absence of humility, maturity, and desire for reconciliation. According to the Bible, apologies and restitution are needed for true forgiveness and healing to occur (Luke 19:8-9, Philemon 1:8-19). When one party remains prideful and refuses to address their toxic behaviors, imbalance persists.
6. We must guard against misplaced loyalty and prolonged indecision when toxicity persists without repentance.
Some remain stuck in toxic relationships out of guilt, false obligation, misplaced loyalty, or an unwillingness to endure temporary pain to address the toxicity. But Scripture warns against staying somewhere indefinitely that is harming our souls:
My son, if sinners entice you, do not consent…Keep your way far from her, and do not go near the door of her house. (Proverbs 1:10, 15)
When someone remains hard-hearted, we may come to a point where loyalty to them conflicts with loyalty to what God says is right and healthy. Prolonged indecision can become a way of enabling sin (James 4:17). The Bible advises seeking counsel to gain wisdom for when it may be time to let go (Proverbs 11:14, 15:22).
7. Marital relationships require special care and intervention to restore brokenness and toxicity.
Marriage relationships carry added spiritual and covenantal weight. God designed marriage to reflect Christ’s love for the church (Ephesians 5:32-33). Therefore, believers are called to exercise patience, extend grace, actively love, seek counseling, and exhaust all options before considering divorce (Matthew 19:1-9, 1 Corinthians 7:10-16).
However, Scripture permits divorce in very specific cases involving hard-heartedness and chronic, unrepentant toxicity (Matthew 19:8, 1 Corinthians 7:15). God does not intend for anyone to stay in a relationship marked by unrepentant and destructive abuse or adultery.
Even in troubled marriages, the Bible provides guidance for seeking counsel, reconciliation, and working through conflict in godly ways that honor vows (1 Corinthians 7:10-11, Ephesians 4:26-27, 31-32, Colossians 3:12-19). With God all things are possible, and toxic patterns can change through humility and the Spirit’s work.
8. If we have suffered abuse, Scripture helps us process pain, find justice, set boundaries, forgive safely, and heal.
The Bible recognizesthat abuse inflicted by others can leave traumatic wounds and scars. Victims are encouraged to pour out their hearts to God and secure just help and intervention (Psalm 147:3, Romans 12:19, Galatians 6:2). Toxic abuse is never the victim’s fault.
Scripture guides victims of abuse toward courage, safety, renewed identity in Christ, restored dignity, and the comfort only God provides (Isaiah 41:10, 2 Corinthians 1:3-5). Lasting healing comes through taking wise precautions, establishing Christ-centered support systems, processing pain through biblical counseling, and extending judicious forgiveness when possible.
Reconciliation with abusers is only advisable in cases of true, demonstrated repentance that produces lasting change. Even then, precautions must be taken, and amendments made over the long-term (Proverbs 20:22, Luke 3:8-9).
9. According to the Bible, God cares deeply about toxic relationships and wants to redeem them.
Our relational brokenness grieves God’s heart, as He created relationships to be life-giving and reflect Christ’s love. But sin’s effects have corrupted even the most intimate of bonds. The toxicity and pain we experience relationally is part of sin’s worldwide epidemic.
Yet Scripture offers redemption. Through His death on the cross, Jesus makes forgiveness and new life possible. And through the power of the Holy Spirit, our minds and hearts can be renewed day by day (Romans 12:2). Toxic habits and bondage to sin can give way to healing.
God is always ready to work even in the most broken places of our lives. His heart is to bind up wounds, set captives free, heal all hurts, and make even the most damaged relationships new – even if some must come to a close for a time (Psalm 147:3, Isaiah 61:1, Revelation 21:5).
10. Developing personal spiritual maturity helps prevent and address toxicity.
Many individual relationship problems – possessiveness, jealousy, domination, anger issues, insecurity – stem from our own inner flaws that require spiritual solutions. Scripture connects relational health to personal health – the mind, heart, behaviors, and maturity fostered by God’s truth and Spirit.
According to the Bible, cultivating personal spiritual maturity makes all one’s relationships healthier. Important spiritual disciplines and habits include:
- Daily prayer and Scripture study (Psalm 5:3, 119:105)
- Loving God above all (Matthew 22:37-38)
- Walking in forgiveness toward others (Ephesians 4:32)
- Crucifying selfishness and pride (Galatians 5:24, Philippians 2:3-4)
- Pursuing peace (Romans 14:19, Hebrews 12:14)
- Extending grace and patience (Colossians 3:13, James 5:9)
- Growing in the fruits of the Spirit like love and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23)
- Surrounding oneself with wise community (Proverbs 13:20)
As we grow to be more like Christ through the Word and Spirit, we become relationally healthier day by day. Our closest connections become safer, mutually uplifting spaces that honor God and reflect His kingdom.
