A sexless marriage, defined as a marriage in which sex occurs 10 or fewer times per year, is an unfortunately common issue that many Christian couples face. While sex should be an act of intimacy and connection in a marriage, a myriad of issues can cause spouses to grow distant and sex to become infrequent or stop altogether.
As Christians, how should we respond when sex is lacking in our marriage? The Bible does not provide direct instructions for this specific situation, but looking at principles from Scripture can give guidance.
1. Examine yourself first
When faced with any relationship problem, the first step should be self-reflection and examining our own hearts and actions (Matthew 7:3-5). Consider honestly if there are ways you may be contributing to the lack of sex. Do you make your spouse feel loved, pursued and desired? Are you meeting their emotional needs? Do they feel respected by you? Have you become selfish or lazy in the relationship? Confess any sins or shortcomings and seek God’s wisdom and strength to love your spouse selflessly.
2. Seek to understand your spouse
Instead of blame or accusation, approach your spouse with empathy and care. Ask them openly about why they don’t desire sex as much. Listen without judgment and seek to understand their perspective. Some potential reasons could be stress, exhaustion, hormonal changes, health problems, pain during sex, past trauma, body image issues, or feeling emotionally disconnected from you. Identifying the root causes will help you know how to move forward.
3. Focus on emotional intimacy first
For many couples, a lack of sex stems from a lack of emotional intimacy in the relationship. Make rebuilding your friendship and connection a priority over physical intimacy for a time. Set aside time to talk, cuddle, date, pray together and engage in bonding activities you both enjoy. Words of affirmation, acts of service and quality time may help rekindle the spark (1 Corinthians 7:3-5). Go slowly and focus on meeting one another’s needs before expecting your own to be met.
4. Seek counselling if needed
For some couples, meeting with a professional Christian counselor (or pastor) can help open lines of communication and get to the root of issues causing division. There should be no shame in seeking help to restore intimacy. Counseling can also help reveal any psychological or medical issues contributing to the problem.
5. Examine how you talk about sex
How you and your spouse communicate about sex matters greatly. Do you mainly complain about unmet needs or make passive-aggressive remarks? This breeds resentment. Instead, have open, honest conversations outside the bedroom where you can express your hearts vulnerably and listen without defensiveness. Share desires, but don’t demand or manipulate. Seek compromise on frequency that satisfies both, if possible.
6. Don’t make it solely about intercourse
While intercourse is important, it is not the only expression of physical intimacy. Explore other forms like cuddling, massage, hand-holding, bathing together, oral stimulation or mutual masturbation. Some couples find non-intercourse activities help them reconnect and gradually rebuild desire for sex. Communicate what brings each of you pleasure and intimacy without the pressure of meeting a specific expectation.
7. Address health issues
Declining sexual desire or ability to perform can sometimes stem from mental health problems like depression, anxiety and the effects of medication. Hormonal changes related to childbirth, menopause or andropause may also affect libido. Chronic health conditions like cancer, diabetes, pain syndromes and cardiovascular disease can also impact sexuality. Seek medical advice to determine if health issues are factors and take steps to manage them.
8. Consider professional therapy
Christian sex therapy or counseling specific to sexual intimacy issues may help in some situations. A certified therapist can assess for physical, psychological or relationship causes and provide tools and homework assignments to increase intimacy. Having guided conversations in a neutral environment may help break barriers faster than trying alone at home.
9. Examine potential mismatched libidos
In some cases, spouses simply have differing sex drives that leave one dissatisfied. After health issues are ruled out, accept this may represent a personality difference, not a shortcoming. Explore compromises like scheduling sex, alternative forms of intimacy and open communication of needs. If significant libido mismatch remains after effort, consider seeking guidance on living with this dynamic in a godly way.
10. Consider fasting and prayer
Bringing the issue before God in prayer and fasting demonstrates a heart attitude desiring His help and wisdom. Ask Him to reveal personal blindspots, grant forgiveness and healing of hurts, renew passion and guide discussions. Believe that through sincere prayer, the Holy Spirit can work miracles in our marriages (Mark 11:24).
11. Avoid unhealthy responses
As difficult as the situation may be, avoid responses that further damage the relationship: pressuring your spouse, seeking fulfillment elsewhere through pornography, fantasy or infidelity which is sin, passive aggression, hostility, manipulation, withdrawing emotionally, or abandoning the marriage before putting forth effort to restore intimacy.
12. Focus on your purpose
Remember that our lives and marriages are about more than just sex. We have a higher purpose to glorify God, serve Him and exemplify Christ-like love – with or without regular sex. Find purpose in loving, honoring and caring for your spouse even through seasons requiring patience and sacrifice. God sees your faithfulness.
13. Rely on God’s strength and grace
If you’ve examined yourself, sought to meet your spouse’s needs, and employed godly communication and professional help – yet the situation remains unchanged – rely on God for strength to persevere. His grace is sufficient when we are weak (2 Corinthians 12:9). Remain hopeful and prayerful, while living in a manner worthy of your calling as a follower of Christ (Ephesians 4:1).
14. Remain committed for life
The marital covenant is an unconditional, lifelong promise before God to love and cherish your spouse for better or worse, in sickness and health. While sexless marriages are extremely challenging, they are not grounds for divorce. Keep renewing your commitment to the marriage. Recall the blessings of the relationship rather than just the hardship. With God all things are possible.
In summary, a Christian’s response to a lack of sex in marriage should be rooted in seeking to understand their spouse, taking responsibility for their own contribution, pursuing compromise, and relying on God’s presence and help through the struggle. With openness, patience, grace and commitment to the covenant, intimacy can often be restored over time.
While remaining faithful to our spouse, we must also stay faithful to God’s design for marriage which includes sexual union and pleasure. Prayerfully fight for intimacy while avoiding manipulation or sin. Seek godly wisdom and never cease pursuing a right heart attitude and actions. If both spouses adopt this approach with humility, much good fruit can come from the adversity.
15. Maintain realistic expectations
Be aware that restoring regular satisfying sex may be a lengthy process requiring much time, effort and commitment from both spouses over years. There may be small wins and setbacks along the way requiring adjustment of expectations. What matters most is the heart motivations to please God and honor your marriage vows, not achieving an ideal frequency of sex.
16. Prioritize your marriage
Make your marriage the most important human relationship, second only to your relationship with God (Ephesians 5:22-33). Invest time and energy to nurture intimacy in all areas – spiritual, emotional, physical. Set aside distractions like work, children and hobbies to focus on each other. Protect your marriage from any inappropriate outside influence or threat to unity.
17. Study “Song of Solomon”
The intimate and romantic book Song of Solomon provides helpful insights into God’s design for passion and sexuality between a husband and wife. Study it together and discuss key lessons you can apply to your marriage. Allow this beautiful poetry to inspire you toward greater intimacy despite current discouragement.
18. Consider a loving ultimatum
If one spouse remains unwilling to address the issues causing division after much effort and counsel, it may be appropriate to lovingly insist on change or mediation via a marriage counselor or else separation may be necessary. This upholds the sanctity of marriage by spurring urgently needed action to protect the relationship.
19. Seek wisdom regarding divorce
There are mixed views on whether persistent sexual refusal within marriage that seems irremediable could potentially constitute permissible grounds for divorce (1 Corinthians 7:15). If all efforts have been exhausted over a lengthy period, seek wise counsel from church leadership on this weighty decision.
Divorce should only be carefully considered under narrow circumstances after much prayer and counsel. Separation may be a more ethical interim option. But in any case, pursue God’s will diligently before taking steps to end a sacred covenant.
20. Consider your vows and ability to wait
As part of your wedding vows, you pledged marital faithfulness to your spouse until death, forsaking all others. Prayerfully reflect on whether you are able to honor these vows for a lifetime, even if intimacy remains minimal. If truly unable to remain celibate in your marriage, separation while still married may be the ethical choice.
Marriage requires signficant self-sacrifice at times. Evaluate realistically whether you can wait on your spouse vs. pursuing divorce. “Let us not grow weary of doing good” (Galatians 6:9). Trust God to sustain you through any choice that honors Him.
21. Extend much grace and forgiveness
A sexless marriage cannot be repaired without abundant grace, patience and forgiveness from both spouses. Recognize that you are equally in need of God’s mercy. Approach one another with humility recognizing that no spouse is perfect, and we all have weaknesses and limitations.
Forgive past hurts or rejections and make a fresh start. Heed Paul’s instruction, “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” (Colossians 3:13)
22. Embrace “as to the Lord” living
Rather than focusing on personal happiness in marriage or a sense of entitlement to sex, embrace an “as to the Lord” attitude. Make pleasing God through selfless loving service to your spouse, regardless of what you receive in return, your daily purpose and motivation (Colossians 3:23-24).
This liberates us from sole preoccupation with unmet needs and awakens new hope. It transforms marriage into an act of devotion and worship when offered sacrificially, even amidst suffering.
23. Acknowledge God’s sovereignty
The trials that confront us in marriage are allowed by God and have heavenly purpose if we respond rightly. “We know that for those who love God all things work together for good” (Romans 8:28). Rest in the assurance that God’s plan will prevail. Ask Him to help you embrace your current hardship as an opportunity to magnify Christ and become more like Him.
24. Thank God despite circumstances
The Bible exhorts us to give thanks to God in all circumstances (1 Thessalonians 5:18). Despite the grief of a sexless marriage, praise God regularly by faith for His blessings, promises and redeeming work in your lives. A spirit of gratitude helps guard our hearts from bitterness, anger and hopelessness.
25. Draw close to God
Let your hardships drive you to draw near to Jesus like never before. Only He can satisfy your innermost needs fully. Delight in God and meditate on His Word day and night (Psalm 1:2). Allow irresistible intimacy with Christ to fill the emptiness that human love cannot.
God specializes in using what we view as bleak to produce beauty and refinement in those who love Him (Romans 8:28-29). Yield to that work in you.
26. Wait patiently on God’s redemption
If you have walked faithfully with God yet still suffer, take heart that He remains with you and will redeem your pain in His perfect time (Psalm 25:3-5). God did not abandon Job. Wrestle in prayer, but ultimately trust His goodness and surrender to the refining fire.
“Let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus.” (Hebrews 12:1-2). The joy will come in the morning.
27. Hope and persevere by faith
You may feel like giving up all hope for sexual intimacy and withdrawing emotionally from your spouse. But with God nothing is impossible (Luke 1:37). His mercies are new every morning (Lamentations 3:22-23). Sustain hope through constant prayer and by digging into Bible passages about God’s healing of brokenness.
With the Holy Spirit’s empowerment, persevere in faithful love. Let steadfast devotion be your victory over despair. Renew your mind with truth and keep moving forward.
28. Make your life and body a living sacrifice
God calls every Christ-follower to offer themselves as a living sacrifice, putting selfish desires to death (Romans 12:1). Make this your daily prayer, surrendering your will and rights to the Lord. Ask Him to use yourlife and body as instruments of righteousness, whatever the cost, just as Jesus willingly embraced the cross.
This may require sacrificing the self-oriented fulfillment you had hoped marriage would bring. But joy awaits those who, for the glory of Christ, suffer well.
29. Cling tightly to the anchor of God’s love
When storms arise, ships anchor themselves firmly. In the gale of a sexless marriage, anchor yourself to the unshakable rock of God’s vast love demonstrated through Christ (Hebrews 6:19). Let this anchor keep you stable, confident and able to rise above the storm by His power and for His glory.
“For I am convinced that neither death nor life…neither the present nor the future…nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 8:38-39)
30. Imitate godly mentors
Seek out older godly couples who have walked faithfully through adversity in marriage. Learn from their hard-earned wisdom and model their perseverance, gratitude, devotion and hope despite chronic disappointments and unmet expectations.
Let their steadfast example inspire you to press on. The same grace that sustained them will uphold you as you lean wholly on Christ (Hebrews 13:7-8).
In conclusion, while lacking sex in marriage poses heavy burdens, Christians must respond with faith, wisdom and Christ-centered love – trusting God fully in the process. Our holy calling remains unchanged: to glorify God whether through seasons of abundance or lack.
